Fair warning – this is an entire post about a scarf.
If you know me personally, you know I’m happiest with yarn and knitting needles in my hands. I knit for fun and for people I love and my favourite recipients are my kids. I love making them silly hats and colourful blankets and things that will keep them warm. When Jude died I hated that I would never get to make him anything again. As curious as he was he was always interested in anything I was working on, and he was always excited when I was making something for him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone happier over anything than he was over his lion hat.
So I made one more thing for him. For me, because I get to wear it, but for him, so that when it gets cold I can wrap myself up in all the things Jude loved most. This is a pattern I designed years ago and have available on Ravelry – more of a recipe, since it’s general guidelines and an opportunity to choose whatever you want to use to fill it. If you’re a knitter you should give it a go. I made the original when I was getting through repeat pregnancy losses and needed some colour on harder days, and it felt right to start a new version that was all Jude, a way to document his favourite things and lovingly recreate them in stitches, one by one. I’ve had a lot of questions about it and requests for pictures of the final version, so here it is. My Jude scarf. One of my favourite things.
Hey Jude
The Beatles hold a special place in our hearts, and Jude’s name came from two places. First, the patron saint of lost causes, and second, to take a sad song and make it better. I sang this song to him all the time and he loved it, as though it were just for him. I charted the opening bars. This also feels like a great place to share this beautiful arrangement by Tony Ann, just for my very own Jude, at the request of my beloved friend Sarah. It’s really beautiful and worth a listen.
All You Need Is Love – Wawa
On the wall of that Beatles nursery above the cribs is this huge decal, and every day I would sing, ‘All You Need Is Love’ to the boys. Jude loved it and constantly requested it, calling it ‘wawa’ for the way we’d sing the instrumental part.
Puppy boots
The boys each had a pair of these puppy boots from Joe Fresh and they were completely obsessed with them.
Everest the penguin
I can’t believe that I don’t have a picture of him with this penguin, despite the amount of time he spent with it in his arms. It was a bedtime necessity. He loved it so much that we’ve decided to keep loving it for him, and Everest now travels with us and comes along for important things as a reminder to embrace what we’re doing for someone who can’t.
Superman
He loved Superman and had a pair of jammies in every size.
Rainbow blanket
I knit these for them when they were brand new. Each just different enough to know which belonged to which kid.
Lion
There are so many lions that were special, but my favourites for him were his first Halloween costume and the completely ridiculous hat I knit for him. The hat led to one of my favourite stories about him (read on!).
Twilight Turtle/’Yellow’/stars
This section combines three things he loved – the turtle in their room that shines stars all over the walls and ceiling, and ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay. The turtle is a bedtime staple and he always requested the blue stars. He loved it and he loved stars, so much that when we lost him a reading from The Little Prince felt like a natural fit for his service.
“All men have stars, but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems… But all these stars are silent. You-You alone will have stars as no one else has them… In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars will be laughing when you look at the sky at night..You, only you, will have stars that can laugh! And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me… You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… It will be as if, in place of the stars, I had given you a great number of little bells that knew how to laugh.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
On nights when they were having trouble settling, when our many rounds of Wheels on the Bus weren’t sufficient, I would sit on the floor next to their cribs and sing Yellow.
Woody
We introduced the kids to Toy Story last fall in preparation for our surprise trip to Disney with my parents. It was an instant hit and Jude fell in love, and suddenly Woody was his favourite. While we were there he saw a sign with Woody’s picture on it and with every ounce of excitement yelled, ‘Woooooooooodyyyyyyyyyyyy!’ And that somehow devolved to ‘Weewee’ for a couple months, and we constantly heard about how much he loved Weewee.
Dandelions
Here’s the other part of that lion story. This spring the boys and I were walking to the bus stop to wait for Isla. Jude found dandelions in the grass and asked what they were. When I told him he repeated what I’d said, then his eyes lit up as he made a connection, pointing back and forth between the yellow weed in his hand and his hat. ‘Dandelion? Lion hat? Dandelion? Lion hat! ROAR!!!!’ He laughed hysterically, and forever after that when he saw a dandelion he’d laugh and roar at it with his giant Jude smile.
We don’t pull out our dandelions anymore, and whenever we see a fluffy one we stop to make wishes. Full apologies to my neighbourhood – I’m sure my kids are responsible for a massive increase in our local dandelion population. But that simple thing made him so happy, and I’ll never see another one without thinking about him and the way he laughed and roared. It’s December 7th and we still have a bright yellow dandelion growing in our front steps. Hey buddy. ♥
Helicopters
I hated this little Vtech helicopter, but Jude loved it. It was loud and made the most annoying noise, and he played with it constantly. He was fascinated by every airplane and helicopter we saw in the sky. I really hated that toy.
Walrus
One more from the boys’ room. We have a plaster walrus bust on the wall. It’s ridiculous and I love it, much to Craig’s chagrin. While we were learning animal sounds Craig asked them one day what sound a walrus makes. He didn’t know so instead he started making this ridiculous walrus face using his fingers as tusks, and that’s what they learned about walruses.
I wish I could have kept knitting. I missed his robots, his blocks, his storybooks, his pentagon. I missed including Mickey Mouse – Mickey because upon learning that his last name was McGee he was thrilled to pieces thinking it was Mickey. ‘Mickey? Mickey Mouse? Jude Mickey Mouse???’And I also wish I had an entire lifetime of new memories and new favourite things ahead with him.
