Dear Jude,
Three years ago I held you in my arms for the first time. Finally, finally, after all the years we waited for you, hoped for you. We almost mixed up your names, but looking at you and Thomas it quickly became clear that we had it wrong. He was Thomas and you were Jude, and it couldn’t be the other way around.
The two years, three months, and twenty days you were here were the best part of our lives. When you and Thomas joined the three of us we had everything, and even though life with a three year old and baby twins was exhausting and stressful, we were so damn happy you were here that we just laughed through it. Our life had become the best kind of chaos, and we wouldn’t have traded any of it for a moment.
As a baby you had two settings – quiet/serious and high-pitched noise. We have collections of pictures with Thomas’ goofy smile and you beside him, glaring. As you grew your mischief and sense of humour appeared, and suddenly you were into everything, causing trouble, laughing. You were so loving and never hesitated to give people kisses and wrap them up in your tiny arms. How was it possible that such a tiny person could give such big, warm hugs?
You blew us away with how smart you were. You picked things up much faster than we could have imagined you would, and we loved watching those giant brown eyes light up when you figured out something new, and we could see your excitement as you chattered on excitedly about your discovery to everyone who would listen. And everyone listened, because your enthusiasm was infectious and you were amazing.
I don’t know why this happened to you. I don’t know why today is your birthday and you’re not here to celebrate with us. I understand the reality of the situation, but it will never make sense to me. You couldn’t have been more loved, wanted, cherished, and we loved watching each day as you discovered something new. We were so excited to watch you figure out who you wanted to be and what you wanted in life, and to help you get wherever you wanted to go. And in an instant you were gone, and our lives will never be as good again without you. We won’t get to share the world with you and see what you would have made with your time here. All we can do now is hope that you know how you were one of the three best things we could ever have hoped for, and honour your life by talking about you and hoping that by learning your story, more people will take action to protect themselves and their communities.
But I wish this weren’t the case. I’d give anything to have you back and to never give any more thought to the flu than taking our own precautions to stay healthy and do our own part.
We miss you, buddy. Happy birthday, Jude. You aren’t here in our arms today, but you are always in our hearts and our thoughts, and today we celebrate you right along with Thomas.
Dear Thomas,
Hilarious, goofy, cranky Thomas. You always had us wondering, sweet boy, and seemed to have more challenges than your brother right from the start. Nothing came quite as easily to you, and you’ve had to work a little harder. And then your other half was gone, and we know that you’ve lost something that we’ll never fully be able to understand, but we love you and we’re here and we are right by your side through these years ahead.
In this past year we’ve watched you grow in unimaginable ways. You’re finding your own voice and it’s amazing to hear all of the things you’re discovering and wondering about. We love playing with you and seeing what makes you tick and what you’re falling in love with. I will never get tired of all the time you spend in my lap and in my arms, and while I know that will eventually come to an end, I’m going to soak up as much little Thomas as I can.
You started preschool this year and I’m head over heels with watching your excitement as you join your friends to play. I’m not sure of the last time I had such a hard time holding in giggles as I did during your Christmas party and discovering your very enthusiastic [read: loud] participation in a song about how the world is a rainbow. I love the way you connect the dots, especially, ‘snowing? IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!!’ and the way you reason things out. I love how determined you are when you make up your mind, and how you’re just as determined when you decide the opposite of something moments later.
We love you so much, T. You make us laugh constantly and I can’t wait to see what you’re going to do with your life. You are worth everything it took to get you here and I’m so grateful for everything about you (even the tantrums). Happy birthday, buddy. I know it’s taken on a new element now that we’re doing it without Jude, and I promise that we’ll never shy away from celebrating you like crazy. You’re here and you’re amazing.
Dear Isla,
The things you have experienced in your six short years. Sweet girl, I hardly know where to start, but I wish I had the words to tell you how unabashedly proud we are of you. That’s nothing new. We’ve always been glowy and excited and probably over the top about how much we love you, and that has come to a whole new level as we watched you embrace being a big sister to two very demanding baby boys. We’ve watched you dance on stage, look after your friends, learn to love reading and trying new things. There’s no award for it, but I’m pretty sure you’ve been the all-star sand artist in both years of t-ball. When you were younger you were often frustrated when you couldn’t accomplish something right away, and in this past year we’ve watched you learn to keep pushing until you figure something out, and the look on your face when you overcome a challenge is one of the proudest things for me as a parent.
Your life changed when Thomas and Jude joined us, and again when Jude left us. The way you’ve stepped up to give Thomas extra care since losing Jude has been incredible, and he couldn’t possibly be luckier to have you. Thank you, sweet girl, for everything about you. While my loss was different, I know what it’s like to lose someone in your immediate family when you’re this little, and I know how it can rock your world and shake everything that should feel safe and secure. I know how this changes everything, and the world is different for you now than it was before Jude died. I would give anything to take that away. No child should go through what you have, and this is an experience I never wanted for my own kids. But I can tell you that while Jude is gone, the rest of us are still here and we will hold each other up and keep going together, with Jude in our hearts and each other side by side. We love you so much, and while I know this past year has been hard, I’m so proud of you, everything about you. Thank you for being ours, thank you for loving your brothers, thank you for you.
Dear Craig,
How did we get so lucky to have these three amazing kids? I love you so much. I love them so much. I miss our boy. Let’s go take Isla and Thomas on an adventure and tell funny stories about Jude. ♥